Shame keeps people from growing. It’s like a pair of too-tight shoes. In therapy sessions I often times find it’s one of the biggest barriers to people getting better. Sure shame is still useful but it largely does more harm than good in our modern context. 

 

So what is shame? Shame tells us there’s something wrong with who we are—if you lie, you’re a liar, if you steal, you’re a thief. Shame often tells us in some way that we are fundamentally flawed or unworthy. From this description we can determine that shame is a form of black and white thinking, which is basically where you have the tendency to think and emotionally respond in extremes, and worst case scenarios.

 

Shame says we need to be afraid of standing out. Shame itself doesn’t even want to stand out or be noticed. It doesn’t care how we go about dealing with the issue as long as we come up with a solution and fast. It often times leads us to cover up, lie, or deny especially to ourselves. In this way shame becomes a cloud of confusion. It intentionally seeks to make matters ambiguous or to distance us from the issue as a measure of self-protection from the worst-case black and white thinking scenario.

 

Shame might look like avoiding friends and family because they believe you’re unsafe around their children even though you haven’t drank for several years, denying the fact that your neurodiverse around your friends even though you know it’s true, keeping your sexual preferences hidden from your romantic partner of 3 years, telling yourself you can control the situation even though your partner is abusive, or trying to date people you believe are more attractive then yourself even though you know doing so makes you feel anxious they would leave you. 

 

Of course shame is invested in this level of security for a reason. We’re a very social species which is how we have survived and thrived in the first place. And shame is definitely one of the building blocks of what makes us so social. In fact, shame is a concept that has to date back from before the invention of human history. So in this sense we can probably attribute a good chunk of our progress to shame. Thinking back to what I said a moment ago about how shame processes in terms of worst case scenarios, if I was living in prior eras of human history, the worst case scenario might be that I would be rejected from my community because my survival might depend on them.

 

But unlike past points in human history, our western context affords us such a diverse and robust menu of communities to belong to. And we seldom belong to just one community anymore; we often times belong to multiple communities. In this sense it’s hard to believe that being rejected from one community equates to a life threatening concern. As a result, the thing that stands out the most about shame is that it lies to sand makes believe we are in a survival state from which we cannot grow. 

 

So what can we do instead? 

 

Honestly, we’re going to feel negative emotions when we make mistakes. I’d even say it’s a good thing that we feel those emotions because it tells us that we care. Negative emotions as much as positive ones are here to help us, and they can’t actually hurt us either. Our negative emotions can give us as much wisdom and guidance as our positive ones—What doesn’t kill you can indeed still make you stronger. It’s the decisions we make with these negative emotions that is the important part. 

 

Consider instead, striving to be authentic. You have to be willing to take risks—life is full of them and it’s natural, fine, and okay. You show up; you’re seen; vulnerable doing something that will either be accepted, or rejected. In these moments of vulnerability, it’s important that you take responsibility and are clear especially with yourself about your intentions and actions (this also means being careful not to take responsibility for things that aren’t yours). 

 

So how do we know if we’re being authentic? We might be doing the process right if we notice these emotions: guilt and embarrassment. Guilt tends to speak of deliberate actions. Guilt is not calling you a liar when you lie, or a thief when you steal. Instead it acknowledges the facts—we deliberately did something that inconveniences others or ourselves. Embarrassment speaks of things we do not consent to. In these moments we were out of control and everybody saw. 

 

Guilt and embarrassment do not amplify the emotion of a situation to a size greater than it is. In fact, guilt will even help us make good decisions. I once heard it said that guilt is a price we pay for the decisions we make. And in those moments when we feel embarrassed, if we can admit it, somebody else might come along side and offer their story about a time they did the same thing. And then we are connecting with each other in that moment. 

 

So keeping guilt and embarrassment in mind, authenticity might look like asking for help on a project at work you were expected to be able to easily do, telling a loved-one they need a higher level of care then what you’re capable of giving because you’re trying to focus on your career, asking your romantic partner to try something new with you during sex, telling your friends you need to stay home instead of going out with them because you need to rest, or showing up to therapy for the first time. 

 

From these examples we can see the intentionality to expose weaknesses as a risk for gains. This is the definition of vulnerability. However, vulnerability is not always done out of authenticity ether; it can be done out of shame. Sometimes we over-share or love bomb as a manipulative acts to overwhelm, smoke screen, or guilt into attachment. And in those moments, instead of our focus being on our responsibility, it’s put instead on how the other did or did not come through for us. We are often tempted to view this as a testament to how we were loved, accepted or rejected and it’s really not a good measurement in reality. When done out of authenticity, vulnerability is taking responsibility for our weaknesses out of an awareness that we are not entitled to being helped regardless of how badly we need it. 

 

From drawing these distinctions we can clearly see something else here: Shame can very easily keep us isolated. Isolation is a common thread behind a host of mental health issues, perhaps most common of all, depression, and social anxiety. I say it’s time we start making choices in collaboration with our emotions, instead of allowing emotion schema like shame to make decisions for us.